But Why?
by Ashton09
Summary: Brooke is now five, and has developed a habit of questioning everything that comes to mind. And when she sets her mind to it, she won't be satisfied without a complete answer.


"But why?" Brooke asks yet again, and Beca has to try hard to keep from sighing in frustration. Their daughter is in a questioning phase, and all three of her parents are getting overwhelmed by the sheer number of questions she asks every day. They don't mind explaining things to the curious five-year-old, but sometimes it feels like that's all they have time for each day. They haven't had an adult conversation in a week; every time they find a moment to spend any time together Brooke will pop out of nowhere with another question that she just has to have answered.

It doesn't help that this time she's asking why she doesn't have a baby brother, and ever after five years the memories the question brings back have Beca's stomach clenching in remembered fear. But how can you tell a child with no concept of what death means that they'd nearly lost her before she was even born, and her mother with her?

Brooke won't accept the first "We were so happy with you that we didn't need another baby" response Beca comes up with, insisting that they'd be happier with two of her, and she'd be happier with a baby brother too. And Beca's second try of "We decided having another baby would be too complicated" just raises more questions, both about what complicated means and why having a baby would be complicated.

It's gotten to the point that Beca is considering texting her wives to have them come home early, as much as she loves being able to work from home most afternoons unless there's a major reason to go in, she's staring to feel like she needs some backup for this one. Brooke keeps jumping from thought to thought faster than Beca can keep up with, always circling back to insisting she wants a baby brother.

Finally Beca hears the jingle of keys in the door, and breathes a sigh of relief when Brooke goes running to meet her mothers, knowing that Wednesdays mean Chloe and Aubrey get home at the same time, thanks to a long standing agreement that Wednesdays are family nights and no one is allowed to miss them without good reason.

Brooke is thankfully distracted as she explains to Chloe and Aubrey all about what she'd learned at school that day, proudly showing off how she can add small numbers now, and Beca watches their interactions with a soft smile, knowing that the subject of siblings will come back up when Brooke remembers, but happy to just watch the loves of her life for the moment.

Chloe's announcement that she's making Brooke's favorite meal for dinner helps keep the child distracted, shifting her questioning to how Chloe had found the special recipe and whether she's old enough to learn how to make it now, and Beca gratefully takes the breathing room, leaning wearily into Aubrey's side as they sit on the couch watching their soulmate and daughter dance around the kitchen. She tries to act offended when Aubrey chuckles at how drained she clearly is, but that same mental exhaustion keeps it from being believable

"She wear you out today?" Aubrey asks when Beca gives up, shifting so she can run a soothing hand through the brunette's hair.

"Every time I explained something, she had another question" Beca says with a sigh, trying to remind herself that a curious child is a good thing, that she should be encouraging Brooke's inquisitive nature. But after a day of trying to think up explanations that a child will be able to grasp, it's hard to keep that in mind. "And that's just the things I could explain, she had a few today that I had no idea what to tell her."

"Like what?" Aubrey asks, and Beca pauses, trying to decide the best way to phrase it, knowing that Aubrey will react just as strongly as she had, and wanting to ease the impact as much as she can. But before she can decide Chloe is announcing dinner is almost ready, and someone needs to help Brooke set the table so they can eat.

"Remind me again why we won't let any of the Bellas babysit so we can have adult conversations?" Beca asks with a groan as she stands, earning another chuckle from Aubrey as she stands as well.

"Because the only Bellas that are close enough to babysit are Lilly, Stacie, and Amy" Aubrey says logically, and Beca thinks for a minute before responding.

"Stacie's really settled down since college" is all she says, not bothering to consider the other two women. Lilly is still vaguely unsettling at times, and even after all the years they've known her they aren't sure whether to take what she says seriously. Honestly, they're all a little surprised she'd kept in touch at all after they'd graduated.

Amy is still the same outgoing woman she'd always been, usually forgetting to censor herself while around Brooke at least once every time they see her. Beca still vividly remembers the awkwardness that had been trying to avoid explaining why Amy had teased them about live performances a year ago, and that had been before Brooke was in this questioning stage where she refused to let anything go without an answer.

"Yes, but I don't think we want Brooke spending a night asking what she does for a living" Aubrey points out as they grab plates, earning a curious look from Chloe as she puts the finishing touches on dinner. "Stacie" is all Aubrey says in response as Brooke comes back from carrying the silverware to the table, not wanting to say more and spark the inevitable questions. Because Stacie is amazingly smart and would be a great role model for their daughter, if the specifics of researching treatments for deadly congenital diseases in infants wouldn't be far too much for her to cope with. And Stacie is a believer in encouraging inquisition, which makes sense given her scientific background, but means she'd probably answer any questions Brooke has in vivid detail, and Beca isn't sure that'd be a good thing. As she thinks about it, she's pretty sure it would be the complete opposite of a good thing.

"Ooh, do we get to see Aunt Stacie soon?" Brooke asks excitedly, looking between them when she hears the name, and they all smile when they see how excited their daughter is at the thought. They're still close with all the old Bellas, even the ones who don't live nearby, and love that Brooke sees them as part of the family.

"We'll see" Chloe says as she bends down to give her a hug, smiling when Brooke pouts. "But right now, I think we need to hurry your mommies up a little, or we'll have to eat a cold dinner." That's enough to make Brooke hurry them along; actually pushing them until Aubrey reminds her that pushing isn't polite. Beca wants to comment on that, tell Aubrey to let Brooke have her fun, but they've learned how to balance their parenting styles over the years.

Dinner is spent talking about work and Brooke's school, their daughter switching between telling them what she'd learned or what her friends had done and asking for specifics about what her parents had done all day. It's one of the best parts of the day for all three adults, all three together with their daughter as they discuss their days. That's why they'd made Wednesday family night, so that every week they were guaranteed at least one night together, no one scheduling late practice sessions or meetings, or being called in to help with a project. Wednesdays are theirs and theirs alone.

The dinner conversation stays so upbeat that Beca honestly forgets what Brooke had been asking about all day until she brings it up as they settle in to choose the activity for the night. "Mama" she says seriously, looking up at Chloe with a thoughtful expression on her face, "why can't I have a little brother? Mommy said it was complicated, but Sarah has a little brother. And she only has a mommy and a daddy, and I've got three mommies, so doesn't that mean I should have two little brothers?"

The childish logic throws them all for a second, but Beca can see when the question really hits, her wives each drawing in a sharp breath as they look at her, both as lost for an answer as Beca had been earlier. But Brooke is determined to get her answer, looking between the three of them impatiently.

"It doesn't exactly work like that" Aubrey says after a minute, ignoring the first part of the question to focus on the safer second half. "Some people never have children, and some people have more children than there are parents."

"Like Kevin has three older brothers but only his mommy and daddy?" Brooke asks after a minute, having clearly run through her mental list of other children in her class and their siblings. "I didn't think about that."

"Exactly like that" Chloe joins in, and Beca can tell she's struggling to keep her voice even. They've all come so far since nearly losing her, but she knows her wife still struggles with it occasionally. This is looking like it might end up being one of those times, and Beca decides she'll need to keep an eye on the redhead tonight, in case the old nightmares come back. From the look of concern on Aubrey's face she can tell she won't be alone, and Chloe manages a quick smile at them when she obviously sees the same thing.

"So it doesn't mean I get two little brothers, but why can't I have one?" Brooke continues after she thinks about that for a minute, and Beca realizes again that she isn't going to let this go without an answer. The child has managed to inherit the stubbornness of all three parents, a fact that occasionally gives Beca a headache when she thinks about what it means for her teenage years.

"Brooke, that isn't something you get to decide" Aubrey says, a slight edge of sternness in her voice that makes their daughter sit back for a second, trying to figure out what she'd done wrong.

"But I didn't decide anything!" she says after a second of thought, looking between them quickly. "I just asked why I can't have one" she tries again. And Beca knows she'll just keep asking until they tell her, so rather than draw it out any longer, she takes a deep breath, catching her wives' eyes so they aren't surprised when she starts talking.

"Baby girl, when you were being born, it was really hard on your Mama" she says softly, and the change in tone immediately catches Brooke's attention. The trace of pain that even a child can hear is enough to keep her from asking the question she obviously has, and instead she moves to Beca's side, leaning her head on her mother's shoulder as she looks up into her face waiting for her to continue. "There were problems with a few things, and we decided then that we weren't going to have another baby, in case things went wrong again."

That part of the explanation creates too many questions in Brooke's mind for her to keep quiet, but she snuggles even closer into Beca's side before she asks them. "What kind of problems? Isn't having a baby easy?"

"No sweetie, not always" Chloe says, and if the pain in Beca's voice was a trace, in hers it's impossible to miss, and has Beca moving at the same time Brooke does to Chloe's side, Aubrey beating them there but leaving room so their daughter can climb onto Chloe's lap.

"Are you okay Mama?" Brooke asks after she finally pulls back from the tight hug Chloe had pulled her into, the worried look on her face nearly breaking her parents' hearts. They each would have given anything to keep this kind of worry and pain away from their daughter, but she deserves the truth now that she's asked.

"I am sweetie, I promise" Chloe says with a small smile, but Brooke doesn't look convinced. "It's just hard to think about is all." That doesn't seem to help much, but Beca can't blame their daughter for doubting when she's feeling the same way, knowing her wife will need time later to deal with everything this brings up.

"But why is it hard to think about?" Brooke finally asks, going back to her earlier question, still determined to get an answer. She looks more serious than she had earlier though, as if she's shifted from wanting to know why she can't have a little brother to wanting to know why the question makes her parents upset.

"Well you know how happy we all are now?" Aubrey takes over as Chloe visibly struggles, and Beca thinks that maybe she'll be the best one to explain without being overtaken by her emotions. And when Brooke nods slowly she continues, running a soothing hand through their daughter's hair. "Well, it almost didn't turn out that way when we were having you, and that made us very sad to think about."

"What do you mean it almost didn't turn out that way?" Brooke asks when Aubrey pauses, and Beca can see her wife realize there will be no holding back details this time, that their daughter will just keep asking until they tell her the full story. They won't be able to satisfy her with vague details and explanations, she's decided she wants to know and won't give up until she does. Beca just hopes she's okay when she realizes what they've been avoiding telling her.

"Well, we almost didn't get to bring you or your Mama home" Aubrey finally just says, and Brooke looks puzzled for a second.

"You mean the hospital was going to keep us forever?" she asks. Beca can tell she doesn't understand, but she still doesn't know how you're supposed to explain what death is to a young child. She hadn't expected to need to know any time soon, hadn't anticipated this aspect of parenting.

"No baby girl, I mean you and your Mama almost died" Aubrey says eventually, and Beca can feel Chloe tense next to her. She hadn't expecting Aubrey to be that blunt, even if she doesn't know how else they should have phrased it. "Some things went wrong with your Mama's body, and they had to work hard to fix it all."

"But it is fixed, right?" Brooke asks almost frantically, sitting back on Chloe's lap to look at her as if expecting something would go wrong at that very second.

"Yes baby, it's all fixed now" Chloe manages to say through the tears she's barely holding back, before pulling Brooke back in for another tight hug, Beca and Aubrey leaning in to join. They all sit in silence for a long moment as they take in the comfort of the hug, and Beca thinks this might be one of the worst conversations she can recall having. Even all together here on the couch she can't help remembering the sense of dread they'd felt as the colors faded from their sight, or the feelings of helplessness at being so far from their soulmate and unable to help.

"So you aren't going to die now?" comes the eventual question, muffled from the way their daughter is clinging to Chloe, and all three rush to reassure her that everything is fine now, that they don't have to worry about that happening again.

"It was only because of what went wrong while your Mama was pregnant" Beca says without thinking, knowing she'd made a mistake as soon as Aubrey looks at her sharply. And sure enough Brooke is looking almost traumatized when she hears that part of the explanation, and Beca wishes she could take it back.

"You mean I almost killed Mama?" she asks, bursting into tears at the thought. And Beca wants to soothe her, but she isn't sure she trusts herself to speak now, not after that mistake. What else was a child going to think when they heard that?

"No Brooke, it wasn't your fault" Aubrey says immediately, and Beca hopes that her well-spoken wife will be able to fix this one. "Sometimes things just happen, and no one knows why. This was one of those times, and everything turned out okay, right?"

Brooke reluctantly nods at that, and Beca can tell that the situation isn't fixed even if she's dropped it for now. "So that's why I can't have a baby brother?" she asks after thinking for a minute, back to the original point now that she seems to be convinced Chloe is okay.  
"That's exactly why" Chloe says, leaning forward to kiss Brooke's forehead. "Your Mommy, Momma and I all decided everything was perfect after we had you, and that trying to have another baby was too dangerous for us. After all, we have you, and that makes us happier than you can imagine."

They spend another hour answering any questions Brooke comes up with, occasionally sitting in silence just holding each other as she thinks everything over. It's not the family night any of them had expected, but maybe it's better to have it out of the way, though Beca knows they'll be answering questions for days if not longer, reassuring their daughter that everything is okay and that nothing is her fault.

After that hour Aubrey decides it's time for bed when they notice Brooke yawning through her questions, reassuring the girl that they can keep talking later if she wants, but that she needs to sleep now, that maybe getting some rest will help her not feel as sad about everything.

But Brooke won't let go of Chloe when they go to stand up, clinging to her shoulders and wrapping her legs tightly around her waist. They also hadn't expected that part of the night, though none of them are surprised. Even if they've managed to convince their daughter that none of it was her fault, a point Beca still isn't sure they've managed, she's still dealing with the emotional impact of learning her mother had almost died.

"Bree, I know we said we weren't going to let her sleep in our bed after she turned four, but I think this is the night for an exception" Chloe says as she tries again to stand, the weight of their daughter making it hard to manage. And Aubrey agrees without argument, not that Beca had expected one. They'll probably all sleep better with Brooke right with them, and that way she won't wake up from any nightmares she might have alone in the dark.

There's a little confusion as they try to settle into bed, trying to figure out where to fit Brooke in with them, but eventually they figure it out, settling Chloe in the middle with Brooke between her and Beca, the brunette wanting to make up for adding to her worry earlier.

Once they've settled into bed and gotten comfortable it doesn't take long for Brooke to drift off, obviously exhausted by the emotions of the night. It's not as easy for the adults though, and all three end up lying awake, each lost in thought while they wait for Brooke to slip into a deep enough sleep that they can talk quietly without waking her.

"Are you okay?" Beca eventually asks, raising her head slightly to meet Chloe's eyes when she's sure that Brooke is completely out, seeing the concern echoed on Aubrey's face as she looks at them both. Because they've been focused on making sure Brooke is okay, and she knows the redhead will need to deal with it as well.

"I will be" Chloe says after a moment of thought, turning to face her daughter and Beca and pulling Aubrey with her, wrapping the blonde's arms around her before reaching over their sleeping child to rest a hand on Beca's face. "It came out of nowhere, but I think talking about it with her helped."

"Do you need to talk about it with us?" Aubrey asks softly as she moves closer to Chloe, and Beca reaches out to take the blonde's hand, resting their joined hands between Chloe and Brooke, connecting the four of them.

"I don't know what there is to say that we haven't said before" Chloe admits, and Beca knows what she means. Between the therapy sessions they'd all gone to and the times the memories have resurfaced for whatever reason over the years, they've talked about the situation dozens of times in every way they can imagine.

"Well still, if you need to talk about it, even if you're repeating something we've heard a hundred times before, we're here" Beca says, turning her head to kiss the hand Chloe still has resting on her cheek. "And the nightmare rules still apply" she adds after a moment of thought, remembering how they'd promised to wake each other for even the slightest nightmare years ago.

"For all of us" Aubrey agrees instantly, and Chloe manages a small smile as she takes in their concern.

"Do you two think you'll need to wake me for a nightmare?" she asks after a moment, and Beca stops to think about it, seeing Aubrey do the same.  
"I don't think so, but I also didn't think we'd end up telling our daughter about how we nearly lost her before she was old enough to understand what it all meant" Beca finally says. "I mean right now I'm more worried about you and Brooke than I am about what I'm feeling, but who knows what my brain will decide once I fall asleep."

"Beca's right" Aubrey says as soon as she stops talking, and Beca shoots her a reflexive smirk at the fact she's agreeing with her, even after years of marriage and being together. It's become a habit, one that occasionally gets her in trouble when Brooke notices, but tonight it's a touchstone to normalcy that she realizes they all need when she sees her wives' reactions. "Oh shut up" Aubrey says, trying not to laugh and shake the bed as she makes sure Brooke is still out. "You two obviously were hit the hardest, but we all know it's still hard on all of us. So if we end up being more affected than we think, we might end up having nightmares of our own, and if we do then we wake each other up so we can deal with it together."

"Always together" Beca agrees, shifting slightly to find a comfortable position with the unfamiliar presence of her daughter next to her rather than Chloe. That's been their mantra for years, no matter what comes up, and this time will be no different.

After all, they've already been through the worst this situation can throw at them, years ago. The memories hurt, and they'll likely never be entirely over them, but they can't actually hurt them any longer. They've already beaten these demons before, there's nothing in the past that they can't deal with together.


End file.
